The end of the summer brought me to my knees. Nothing seemed to be making any sense. We had been in counseling for over a year. I felt like WE were working and I was tried of hearing “we’re just not right for each other”. In the last session I attended he said it AGAIN. Very calmly I said, “The next time those words come out of your mouth you will need to move out of our home.” Three weeks later I was putting everything he owned in bags and boxes. GONE — a man I loved for the 5 1/2 years. I really had know idea what to do with myself — CLEAN of course. Organize, scrub, rearrange. My 17 year old daughter was making every excuse not to come home. I let her go with only one or two tearful conversation about staying home to HELP clean, organize, rearrange.
After the initial purge, next came WORK. I’ll catch up all of my work. Researching a gardening project for the community. Netflix documentaries on nutrition. Hours of them — “Hungry for Change” and “Sick, Fat and Nearly Dead” were just the starting point. Oh my God! what have we been eating. PURGE the kitchen cabinets and the refrigerator. Drive to the nearest farmers market and start up the juicer. The one a purchased a year ago for $250 that sat on the counter. Buy the “Magic Bullet” join the debate of pulp or no pulp.
My daughter enters the house with a couple of her friends. I pour everyone the homemade “green machine” of kale, spinach, ginger and a plethora of other fruits and veggies. Everyone who gets near me gets the lecture about the food that is killing all of us, how I will not participate in the conspiracy between the government and food manufacturing giants and a glass of “green juice”. Let me tell you this is not a sport for the meek or the weak. Gas pains, headaches, itchy skin, acne break outs and mood swings from hell.
I don’t have any more energy for the next PURGE whatever that was. I went to sleep. I wanted to sleep. I couldn’t get enough sleep. Now the “green juice” was hydrating my skin along with the daily slathering of Argon oil, lotions and potions. I dyed my hair a great orange red. Next came my 49th birthday. Took a couple of “selfies” — my daughter showed me how. Posted them on Facebook. I got a couple of likes — I never really got into Facebook before. I felt pretty good.
Men I haven’t talk to in years started arriving in my INBOX. Weird sensation to say the least. I realized they were looking at these images but they really couldn’t see me nor did they really want to see me. They had they’re own agenda — whatever — I couldn’t stand the attention. FOOD SLEEP that was me armoring up for the battle. Now, i have lost 70 pounds partly because I have a new career that gets me out from behind my desk and because my “boyfriend” is a personal trainer who can’t have a “fat chick” for a girl friend. I wanted his attention which I felt like I couldn’t get but not these other guys. Told strangers started asking me out. I was really uncomfortable. I am home alone. I am lonely and I miss him. FOOD SLEEP thats all I have done for the last 3 months and I have gained 25 pounds eating GREAT HEALTHY FOOD. I am horrified.
NEW Books on my Nook “The Gabriel Method”, “The Gifts of Imperfection”, “I Thought It Was Me”, “Daring Greatly” — I saw Brene Brown on Oprah. I watched her TED Talks. I want to spend the weekend at her house. SOMETHING has to change and it’s ME. My skin is smooth and youthful. Everyone says I look way younger than I am. I see my face — my skin — I don’t see me!
This time I am changing ME for ME! That’s a point of clarity I am new too. Doing something for ME. Learning to LOVE me. Being OK with ME. That is the journey I am on with terrific skin.
I am Daring Greatly to find COURAGE COMPASSION AND CONNECTION for myself. The next 49 years will be an adventure for my spirit.